Poise

For starters...I'm back with Bree.
I'm happy.

Next on the Agenda...Alyssa.
So far so good. I like to think that she doesn't exist anymore.
It's working fairly well. I still have my days, but you know what?
For someone who spent five years of her life dedicated to a lost cause, I think I'm handling it with some poise.
Third.School. I don't particularly wish to go into detail.
I'm failing everything, even art. I am soo pathetic.
Fourth. Me. I weigh a fucking lot. I don't like the idea.
I'm about three pounds away from my number.
I'm not about to explain that just now.
It's not a great feeling, being a whale.

It's hard, adjusting to life without the things and the people I used to have.
I'm getting used to it. Other than constantly being sick and getting yelled at because of grades or drugs, I'm fairly content. I've got the girl. I've got the best friend (although Wisconsin is a while away for a best friend, I still love you Michael). I can live with that.

Not Good Enough

I've been struggling lately. Alyssa, Missa, and now Karissa keep harassing me. It's just like a movie. The "issa" Crew harasses the poor girl that no one understands. I wish they would just leave me alone. I've called the cops on them so many times...they never stop. They are driving me insane, and they always have to tell me things that really hurt.

I just want life to go back to normal. I just want them to shut the fuck up and back off. I can't take it for much longer, I'm gonna snap and someone's gonna get hurt.

Earlyyy.

I hate it when it's so early that my eyes don't want to focus on anything in particular. I hate waking up at 5:30 in the morning.

I'm attempting another fast. I know it won't last, but I'm already ten and a half hours into it. I guess we'll see.

Long time

It's been so long.
I don't even want to write everything anymore, it's so much.

Alyssa and her boyfriend have threatened to kill me.
They aren't allowed to contact me.
Twitch is locked up now.

I'm falling for this new guy, Matt.
I should have known.
He's so sweet.

I've been off my medications.
It's not so bad, but I'm starting to feel sick.

I need to lay off the weed, It's becoming a daily habit.
And I miss my Michael.

Love

I went over to Cody's friend Sam's house last night.
Cody kissed me..
And I kissed him..
And it was just like old times.
I think we could get back together.
We got high with Sam in his bedroom.
Finally, I smoked with Cody.


I really...really like him.
I love him.
Still.

I am out of my mind.

I miss Alyssa so much.
I miss people.
I miss conversation.
I'm sitting here - crying - typing my problems into another useless machine.
I just want my friends back.
I want my life back.

I've lost it all.
I've lost it to the point that I have no idea who I am.
I haven't had contact with anyone I love in so long, I don't know what's going on.
Is everyone okay?
Is anyone sick?
What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I'm so lost...I just want to be normal.
I haven't had a summer, and it's all that I want. I've spent my time in summer school. I thought I could escape school for a while, but I lost a whole month of summer to school. That only leaves two months of summer, but I blew it. I fucking BLEW IT. I only have a month left, and I won't get to appreciate it. I have to get a job. I have to stay busy. I'm not allowed to be a kid anymore. I'm not allowed to have friends and have a day to sit around and do nothing. If I could take it all back - If I could have not gotten involved with Dennis, pot, and drinking - Everything would be normal. I miss my life. I don't know where I lost myself.

I'm so lost.

Scrabble Brain

I got Michael. Finally.
It's just so refreshing.
It's good to know that I have ONE friend who loves me unconditionally.
No matter what I do, how stupid my decisions are, he's there.
I know that.
I had a lot of fun being drunk with this boy.
I love you MJW. :]
On the not so bright side though... is Alyssa.
I had decided to let her go.
But then last night she drunkenly called me.
BAD IDEA.
What happens when someone drunk calls someone high?
It's not great.
I love her. I can't give her up.
Someone I have given up on is Cory.
After we hooked up, I thought he would want me.
I wanted him to.
But no. We hook up, I'm left with hickeys all over the place.
He doesn't care.
He showed up at the Street Dance with his Girlfriend.
Jealousy. Even though she's ugly.
Dennis gave me a ring.
A diamond ring with blue sapphires.
It's so pretty.
I feel special, and I feel really embarrassed.
He dressed nice and he had a little black box.
I've never gotten something so special.
Here's a positive note, though.
Lindsey.
Beautiful, wonderful Lindsey.
She asked me if I liked her.
We're hitting it off.
She's got a boyfriend, but he likes that she's got a girlfriend.
I guess it's kinky or something. ;]
Oh Lindsey. I feel so lucky.