Make

Or break.
Which ever.

I don't want Cody to fight Sam.
This is ridiculous.

I don't want Alyssa to miss CC.
I feel like shit being her second best.

Explosion

Bi-polar day.
Started out bad.
I didn't want to wake up. I didn't get any sleep.
Cody kept waking me up in the middle of the night just to say he missed me.
Seriously? Breathe, honey, I know you miss me.
Don't wake me up anymore.
Then it turned good.
I had a pack and a half of cigarrettes.
Most are gone now.
Got bad.
Everyone at work was upsetting me.
Got even worse.
C-A came into work extremely intoxicated/hungover/both.
She couldn't even function.
I had to do all the work by myself.
Got worse yet.
I almost kicked C-A's ass because of her inability to get over herself.
I had to go out back and smoke a few.
I had to meditate and clear my mind.
GOT WORSE.
We ran out of everything.
I work at an ICE CREAM shop.
And we ran out of SPOONS.
And MILK.
Fucking unprofessional.
I wrote my boss a two page letter because this is simply unacceptable.

Got good.
Robin picked me up.
Got better.
I love the house she's living in.
I love her "family".
Got sort of bad.
I hate the fact that I can't have a family like that.
Got better.
I actually got to get out of the house for once.




I need to take a breather.

Get Better

It will.
It will all get better.
I was so close.
Cody and I. We almost made it.
Almost.
I freaked out.
He says not to worry about it.
He says that he can wait .
He says I'm worth waiting for.
I love him so much.
I loveee him.

Alyssa is.....leaving.
Leaving ME, I mean.
I know that she's chosen CC.
She calls him, she doesn't call me.
I feel like I'm being really jealous.
But we swore that a boy would never come between us.
I understand that she loves him.
I know, I can even accept it.
But, I don't want anything to change anymore.


I've never had a sex dream before.
It was a whole new experience.

Sore

This is the first time I've been bruised from head to toe and been happy about it.
I went snowboarding yesterday.
Crashed a lot.
It was worth it.
I'm so fucking sore now, I'm going to kill myself at work.

Things with Cody and I have never been better.
Things with me have never been better.
My mother loves him.
My mom doesn't even care about the fact that we BOTH smoke.
I love life right now, I don't want anything to change.

Except, I wish the snow would melt.

Birthday Wish

I got my birthday wish.
I wished and blew out the candle (well, actually, a lighter).
I got it.

I am Cody's girlfriend.
He's mine.
I could not be happier, ever.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday to me.
Let's hope this yeaarr will go bettterrr...
Happy birthday to me.

Mascara on my favorite hoodie.

I need to buy more mascara.
Last night I had the biggest mental breakdown I've had in a LONNNG time.
I threw up my dinner.
I passed out on the bathroom floor.
Alyssa called, but she didn't care.
I moved into the corner of my bedroom and Cody called.
Thank god.
He saved my life.
I almost drugged myself again.
He saved me.

Relapse

I don't want to relapse. Into anything.
I want to be done using pills.
I want to never cut again.
I never want to throw up again.
I know I will throw up, and Cody will be so disappointed.
I couldn't handle the food today.
I can't.

I love him.
Don't be mistaken for IN love.
That would scare me.
But I do love him, he's perfect right now.

Anxiety

I had an anxiety attack about Cody.
I got attached.

I hate my job. I want to quit.
AND. I'm officially only passing one class.
Fuck that.

Control

I had 350 MG of Dihpenhydramine.
25 MG is the recommended dose.
Drugged myself to sleep.
I can still feel it controlling me.

My mom hates me.
I'm the reason she wants to die.
Comforting.

Guardian Angel

He didn't know I couldn't cry in front of people.
He didn't know that that had never happened.
He felt really bad.
Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
Me Vs The World by Madina Lake.
He says he thinks about me when he listens to these.
I came home from school and listened to them.
I cried, but it was okay this time.

Overwhelmed

Alyssa broke down.
Mental breakdown, I mean.
So, I broke down. Not in front of her, though.
No one at school has ever seen me cry.
This was the first time.
I expected Cody to be there for me, but he wasn't.
I still can't stop crying.
And I threw up from smoking too much.

He holds my hand.

I'm smitten.
His name is Cody.
He holds my hand.
He thinks I'm pretty.
He thinks we "kick ass".
We might be a thing soon.