Poise

For starters...I'm back with Bree.
I'm happy.

Next on the Agenda...Alyssa.
So far so good. I like to think that she doesn't exist anymore.
It's working fairly well. I still have my days, but you know what?
For someone who spent five years of her life dedicated to a lost cause, I think I'm handling it with some poise.
Third.School. I don't particularly wish to go into detail.
I'm failing everything, even art. I am soo pathetic.
Fourth. Me. I weigh a fucking lot. I don't like the idea.
I'm about three pounds away from my number.
I'm not about to explain that just now.
It's not a great feeling, being a whale.

It's hard, adjusting to life without the things and the people I used to have.
I'm getting used to it. Other than constantly being sick and getting yelled at because of grades or drugs, I'm fairly content. I've got the girl. I've got the best friend (although Wisconsin is a while away for a best friend, I still love you Michael). I can live with that.

Not Good Enough

I've been struggling lately. Alyssa, Missa, and now Karissa keep harassing me. It's just like a movie. The "issa" Crew harasses the poor girl that no one understands. I wish they would just leave me alone. I've called the cops on them so many times...they never stop. They are driving me insane, and they always have to tell me things that really hurt.

I just want life to go back to normal. I just want them to shut the fuck up and back off. I can't take it for much longer, I'm gonna snap and someone's gonna get hurt.

Earlyyy.

I hate it when it's so early that my eyes don't want to focus on anything in particular. I hate waking up at 5:30 in the morning.

I'm attempting another fast. I know it won't last, but I'm already ten and a half hours into it. I guess we'll see.

Long time

It's been so long.
I don't even want to write everything anymore, it's so much.

Alyssa and her boyfriend have threatened to kill me.
They aren't allowed to contact me.
Twitch is locked up now.

I'm falling for this new guy, Matt.
I should have known.
He's so sweet.

I've been off my medications.
It's not so bad, but I'm starting to feel sick.

I need to lay off the weed, It's becoming a daily habit.
And I miss my Michael.

Love

I went over to Cody's friend Sam's house last night.
Cody kissed me..
And I kissed him..
And it was just like old times.
I think we could get back together.
We got high with Sam in his bedroom.
Finally, I smoked with Cody.


I really...really like him.
I love him.
Still.

I am out of my mind.

I miss Alyssa so much.
I miss people.
I miss conversation.
I'm sitting here - crying - typing my problems into another useless machine.
I just want my friends back.
I want my life back.

I've lost it all.
I've lost it to the point that I have no idea who I am.
I haven't had contact with anyone I love in so long, I don't know what's going on.
Is everyone okay?
Is anyone sick?
What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I'm so lost...I just want to be normal.
I haven't had a summer, and it's all that I want. I've spent my time in summer school. I thought I could escape school for a while, but I lost a whole month of summer to school. That only leaves two months of summer, but I blew it. I fucking BLEW IT. I only have a month left, and I won't get to appreciate it. I have to get a job. I have to stay busy. I'm not allowed to be a kid anymore. I'm not allowed to have friends and have a day to sit around and do nothing. If I could take it all back - If I could have not gotten involved with Dennis, pot, and drinking - Everything would be normal. I miss my life. I don't know where I lost myself.

I'm so lost.

Scrabble Brain

I got Michael. Finally.
It's just so refreshing.
It's good to know that I have ONE friend who loves me unconditionally.
No matter what I do, how stupid my decisions are, he's there.
I know that.
I had a lot of fun being drunk with this boy.
I love you MJW. :]
On the not so bright side though... is Alyssa.
I had decided to let her go.
But then last night she drunkenly called me.
BAD IDEA.
What happens when someone drunk calls someone high?
It's not great.
I love her. I can't give her up.
Someone I have given up on is Cory.
After we hooked up, I thought he would want me.
I wanted him to.
But no. We hook up, I'm left with hickeys all over the place.
He doesn't care.
He showed up at the Street Dance with his Girlfriend.
Jealousy. Even though she's ugly.
Dennis gave me a ring.
A diamond ring with blue sapphires.
It's so pretty.
I feel special, and I feel really embarrassed.
He dressed nice and he had a little black box.
I've never gotten something so special.
Here's a positive note, though.
Lindsey.
Beautiful, wonderful Lindsey.
She asked me if I liked her.
We're hitting it off.
She's got a boyfriend, but he likes that she's got a girlfriend.
I guess it's kinky or something. ;]
Oh Lindsey. I feel so lucky.

Fame

Adding to the mystery surrounding Poe's death, an unknown visitor affectionately referred to as the "Poe Toaster" has paid homage to Poe's grave every year since 1949. As the tradition has been carried on for more than 50 years, it is likely that the "Poe Toaster" is actually several individuals; however, the tribute is always the same. Every January 19, in the early hours of the morning, the man makes a toast of cognac to Poe's original grave marker and leaves three roses.

I want that kind of fame when I'm dead.

Paranoid

And so now....Here I am.
My mother is taking me to the doctor to check me for STD's.
And Pregnancy.
Great.

I just want to escape Minnesota for a while.
I need a change.
Some time with Michael would be nice.

Karma

If I would have just been a good girl...
If I would have just minded my own business and played by the rules..
If I did...Everything would be fine.
I had to be selfish.
I had to be rude.
Karma is a bitch.
I probably deserve to be a prisoner in my home.

It's to the point where I can't go out in the hallway or sit at the kitchen table. I'm not a member of the family anymore. They don't care anymore. I can't eat dinner with them. I'm not allowed to. I can't cook anything, since I shouldn't be using up THEIR food supply, so I had pancake batter for dinner. PANCAKE BATTER? Fucking ridiculous.
I've said that I hate my life in the past, but this is something completely new.
I'm on a whole new level of pathetic.

Welcome to my brand new life, you can call me the Girl called It.

Weekend.

High with Bree.
Sex with Dennis.
Still dating Cory.

I'm a really bad person.

A break in the clouds

Things are so much better.
No more cutting.
No more throwing up.
No more depression.
No suicide thoughts.

I'm in a great place in my life right now.
Cory is the most wonderful boy ever.
I should have dated him last year when he first showed interest.

Alyssa is back in my life.
She apologized for being horrible.
She spilled her guts.

Finally, a bit back on track.

Unexpected Attraction

Cory spent the night.
He's eighteen.
I've always really liked him.
I didn't know he still liked me.
Things led to other things.
We made out for a good five hours on the living room couch while everyone was sleeping.
It was amazing.

It's good to see that things are finally turning around.
I can still feel his lips.
:] I think I have a crush.

Suicide Watch

I didn't even know it was a real thing.

I'm on suicide watch.

Dad watches me take my pills.

I can't lock the bathroom door at any time.

Mom searches my purse and my backpack.

I can't lock my door, they broke the lock.

I'm not allowed to close my bedroom door.

I can only sleep from 9 to 6.

Any excess sleeping will be thought of as me taking sleeping pills.



I HATE THIS.

One weekend of intense pot was not worth this.

I hate this.



On top of it all, Alyssa isn't making things better.

I hate her so much.

She's been the fakest friend I've ever dealt with.

Clever Trick

"I never want to see you unhappy,
I thought you'd want the same for me."
Cody.
...killed me.
I can't think about him.
We're through.
I'm so sad about this.
I'm so broken.
"Goodbye my almost lover,
goodbye my hopeless dream.
I'm trying not to think about you.
Can't you just let me be?"
My heart hurts.
Everytime he makes me look him in the eye.
It hurts.
He's saying it's for the best.
I can't breathe anymore.
"You told me you'd never, never forget."
I feel like the last two months were a lie.
"I cannot go to the ocean,
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind.."
I don't know what to do.

Rum

Why is the rum gone?
My brother asked this today, and I called him a pirate.

I drank for the first time in a while today.
I'm glad that Cody didn't have a problem with it.
I was worried.
Tomorrow is 420 though, and I know I will be very tempted.
I won't smoke weed though.
I won't do that to Cody.
I won't ruin US.

I'm on the maximum dosage of my anti-depressant now.
Let's see how that works.

I'm failing everything..
And I'm fat.

Work it.

Lots of stuff tends to happen when I least need it.
The K-bitches are out of my life.
They cause more drama than ever.
K1 has always caused drama.
I tried really hard to be her friend.
Abortion was strike one.
JZ was strike two.
This is strike three.
She's out.

My mom gave up on me.
It was okay with me.
It got to her.
She apologized.
Damn.

I got a bikini.
I'm proud to say that I almost don't hate it.
I need to lose like a hundred pounds.
Then I will wear it.
:]

One month with Cody tomorrow. <3

He says beautiful things

He says things that no one has said before.
He says he'll be the one holding my hand through it all.
He will be the one sliding a wedding ring on my finger.
He will be the one who picks out baby names with me.
He will be the one who makes me chicken noodle soup when I'm sick.
He says he will be the one that gives me tears of joy, never sadness.
He will be the one who picks me up when I fall.
He will be the one to get me what I need whenever I need it.

I will be the one who will never stop loving him.
I will be the one that never quite deserves him.
I will be the one who continues to be amazed.
I will be the one who still gets the butterflies when I see him.
I will always be the one who he can fall asleep next to.
I am so in love with him...

Hold Nothing Back

I just want to go all the way with Cody.
I sound so love struck.
oh well.
I want to marry him and have his babies.
He will be a wonderful dad, I already know that.
I've seen him with his nephew.
He's so perfect.
I just want to fucking...die with him.

Nothing could be better with us.

Bullshit.

I didn't dissect the fucking squid. And so my dad is mad at me.
Oh well .
I smoke.
I go against everything he wanted.
I'll get over it.

The drama at school only gets worse with each week that I'm with Cody.
It's been 22 days since he asked me out.
You think people would get over it.
I'm not going anywhere.
He's not going anywhere.
We're both in this for the long term.

I wish that people would just live their lives and not worry about everyone elses.

Make

Or break.
Which ever.

I don't want Cody to fight Sam.
This is ridiculous.

I don't want Alyssa to miss CC.
I feel like shit being her second best.

Explosion

Bi-polar day.
Started out bad.
I didn't want to wake up. I didn't get any sleep.
Cody kept waking me up in the middle of the night just to say he missed me.
Seriously? Breathe, honey, I know you miss me.
Don't wake me up anymore.
Then it turned good.
I had a pack and a half of cigarrettes.
Most are gone now.
Got bad.
Everyone at work was upsetting me.
Got even worse.
C-A came into work extremely intoxicated/hungover/both.
She couldn't even function.
I had to do all the work by myself.
Got worse yet.
I almost kicked C-A's ass because of her inability to get over herself.
I had to go out back and smoke a few.
I had to meditate and clear my mind.
GOT WORSE.
We ran out of everything.
I work at an ICE CREAM shop.
And we ran out of SPOONS.
And MILK.
Fucking unprofessional.
I wrote my boss a two page letter because this is simply unacceptable.

Got good.
Robin picked me up.
Got better.
I love the house she's living in.
I love her "family".
Got sort of bad.
I hate the fact that I can't have a family like that.
Got better.
I actually got to get out of the house for once.




I need to take a breather.

Get Better

It will.
It will all get better.
I was so close.
Cody and I. We almost made it.
Almost.
I freaked out.
He says not to worry about it.
He says that he can wait .
He says I'm worth waiting for.
I love him so much.
I loveee him.

Alyssa is.....leaving.
Leaving ME, I mean.
I know that she's chosen CC.
She calls him, she doesn't call me.
I feel like I'm being really jealous.
But we swore that a boy would never come between us.
I understand that she loves him.
I know, I can even accept it.
But, I don't want anything to change anymore.


I've never had a sex dream before.
It was a whole new experience.

Sore

This is the first time I've been bruised from head to toe and been happy about it.
I went snowboarding yesterday.
Crashed a lot.
It was worth it.
I'm so fucking sore now, I'm going to kill myself at work.

Things with Cody and I have never been better.
Things with me have never been better.
My mother loves him.
My mom doesn't even care about the fact that we BOTH smoke.
I love life right now, I don't want anything to change.

Except, I wish the snow would melt.

Birthday Wish

I got my birthday wish.
I wished and blew out the candle (well, actually, a lighter).
I got it.

I am Cody's girlfriend.
He's mine.
I could not be happier, ever.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to me.
Happy Birthday to me.
Let's hope this yeaarr will go bettterrr...
Happy birthday to me.

Mascara on my favorite hoodie.

I need to buy more mascara.
Last night I had the biggest mental breakdown I've had in a LONNNG time.
I threw up my dinner.
I passed out on the bathroom floor.
Alyssa called, but she didn't care.
I moved into the corner of my bedroom and Cody called.
Thank god.
He saved my life.
I almost drugged myself again.
He saved me.

Relapse

I don't want to relapse. Into anything.
I want to be done using pills.
I want to never cut again.
I never want to throw up again.
I know I will throw up, and Cody will be so disappointed.
I couldn't handle the food today.
I can't.

I love him.
Don't be mistaken for IN love.
That would scare me.
But I do love him, he's perfect right now.

Anxiety

I had an anxiety attack about Cody.
I got attached.

I hate my job. I want to quit.
AND. I'm officially only passing one class.
Fuck that.

Control

I had 350 MG of Dihpenhydramine.
25 MG is the recommended dose.
Drugged myself to sleep.
I can still feel it controlling me.

My mom hates me.
I'm the reason she wants to die.
Comforting.

Guardian Angel

He didn't know I couldn't cry in front of people.
He didn't know that that had never happened.
He felt really bad.
Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
Me Vs The World by Madina Lake.
He says he thinks about me when he listens to these.
I came home from school and listened to them.
I cried, but it was okay this time.

Overwhelmed

Alyssa broke down.
Mental breakdown, I mean.
So, I broke down. Not in front of her, though.
No one at school has ever seen me cry.
This was the first time.
I expected Cody to be there for me, but he wasn't.
I still can't stop crying.
And I threw up from smoking too much.

He holds my hand.

I'm smitten.
His name is Cody.
He holds my hand.
He thinks I'm pretty.
He thinks we "kick ass".
We might be a thing soon.

Vogue

Last night I had a photoshoot with my brother.
He wore makeup and was quite cooperative.
We belonged on the cover of Vogue, I swear it.

I think Alyssa is sleeping with Twitch.
I will be so disappointed if this is true.
I wrote her a note, asking.

I talked to Justin today.
I think we're alright.
Collin, the freshman that has a crush on me, helped me with this.
I sort of owe him one.
Dominic talked to me.
I wonder if he thinks I forgot that he called me a fat dyke.

Bree looked at me when she told the teacher that she's afraid of fat people.
I am upset, but I'm trying not to let it get to me.
It has already a little, I didn't want to eat lunch or dinner, but I'm getting through it.
I'm managing.

Hypocrite.

I woke up really crabby.
I didn't take my anti-depressant until lunchtime.
I took two diet pills.
They didn't work today.

My mom says that Sam might come live with us for a while in May.
I think it sounds fun, but then I don't get why she has a problem with me staying with Michael for a while...
She's just kind of a hypocrite, I'm used to it.

Also, I'm thinking about retrying my vegetarian ways.
I miss the peace of it all.

Traffic

Rach finds it frightening that I don't wait for traffic to stop before I walk across the road.
That's the way I do it.
That's the way the Europeans do it, that's the way I want to be.

I want to go to an online school next year.
I haven't told my mother quite yet that I was serious.
I gently nudged the brochure at her, however.

It's hard to love everyone.
They've all got their own problems making them upset.
Alyssa...my dear Alyssa. She's causing so much drama inside my own head.
I'm going to explode if she asks "Are you mad?" One more time.

Interestingly, and predictably, enough, I plan on forgiving.
I'm going to talk to JZ soon. It's hard without him.
CC keeps asking me why I'm mad at him.
I kind of thought it was a no-brainer.

Anyways. Have a nice day.
PS - I gave my Anti-depressant away.
I wasn't expecting that I would need it, but I regret it.
I forgot that I was supposed to be mad at the person I gave it too.
Oops.

Tool

Yes, me.
People use my body how they wish.
People use my mind however they want.
Why do I let people touch me like that?
Why am I such a pushover?
I should fix that.
Her boyfriend had no right to come a'knocking on my window so early in the morning.
Or at all.
And then to lie about how he felt about me.
Wow, I let it get to me.

I've decided that I need to stop holding grudges.
I wonder if anything will change.